..or is it? I write this as I’m sitting in my car, at a Chick-fil-A drive thru, sunglasses on my head, wearing my snowman pajamas and pink and white striped tee. I’m waiting in line to pick up food for a friend, not myself, because I’m in the keto phase of my diet life. I’m staring down into my phone as I type this, but I’m really just watching the bulge in my midriff go in and out with every breath. It isn’t just regular steady breathing but big long sighs bemoaning my fate for the necessity to be keto in the midst of delicious smelling fried chicken and fries with creamy delicious thoughts of their Oreo cookie shake (a regular in my near past). This is probably a page from the book of every dieter out there but in my mind I am special. I would like to call myself Jack of all Diets, Master of None. I’m spoilt by previous weight loss successes that basically hardened me to the reality that no matter how many times you’ve done it before, there will be the one time nothing will work. Because face it, the second the clock hits 12 on the fateful day that would be your 30th birthday, your body clock annoyingly decides to protest and stop moving forward. Your metabolism decides to stop racing and just hangs in there till it’s time to retire, however long that takes. Fat decides to be your sensuous lover and clings lovingly to each curve of your body and embed itself into every nook, that it becomes your #relationshipgoal to emulate in real life. And will power? Oh that thing cleverly agrees to side with the Fairy God Mother and go poof! at the stroke of midnight. At the end of this 30 year journey, you and your body are left with things you don’t want but have and things you want but will never have without a fight! And so, I am keto, which basically is a high fat, low carb diet with a little bit of protein thrown in, thank GOD. It’s restrictive (and underlying dangerous) nature keeps me in check and seems to be what I need since self control and will power ditched me when I needed them the most. It’s probably the most successful diet that I’ve been in terms of being committed but I really haven’t lost much weight, just a couple pounds here and there, depending on the time of the day.
Yes, I’m bummed. I’m questioning every tbsp of butter I’m eating because the diet can actually get highly mathematical and technical with percentages, macros, calories, calculators and what not. I’ve lost inches for sure but my weight is exactly on point, to the hundreths. Online research says there’s multiple reasons for a plateau (is it really still a plateau if you never really got off?) – silent carb creep, too little fats, too much exercise etc. The solution is to try and be more controlling and watchful; tracking through a tool like MyFitnessPal for success. But you see, the problem with me is I’m superficial. The details are hard for me to grasp and I tend to get lost in them. Details are scary, they represent too much time and energy that I feel I don’t have. When I understand something, I get the gist and move on with it. I’m like that with everything, good or bad I don’t know, but that’s me. It’s my personality. If I am forced to get into the details, I get lost and suffocated. Which is why I’m certain my next career move, or ultimate career move, will and should be towards something that I am passionate enough about to get into the details for or can be done successfully by being high level. I know a lot of people would tell me I have to build an eye for the detail for any job, for any task I do in life and especially for a diet or weight loss regime. But what do I do if introspection of so many years has revealed to me just this? That I am superficial and I am not afraid to say it anymore. But is that ok?
I don’t know. I truly, honestly, sincerely don’t know. Perhaps it’s just a matter of time before I realize my true calling, something that I’d actually want to get down into the weeds to do. Because I guess when I analyze and introspect my life, I’m always wallowing in second by second detail of events good and bad. And as a person who loves writing, minute facts are important, aren’t they? With each post of mine, I’m revealing little nuggets that probably will eventually make up and define my personality; a surprise to myself even. I’m a superficial nihilist struggling to lose weight, confused yet clear, meticulous in certain things not in others. That’s where I’ve gotten till now.
But hey, wait a minute, are those details or is that just the summary? I guess it’s just a thin line after all.