Here I Am

CRIB!

That’s what this blog of mine has been.

Why this magnanimous revelation now? Well this, people, marks my 100th post on this blog!

100…can you believe that? I know, I know – most of you out there have beaten me on this a long while back but it’s never too late huh?

And so, commemorating my dear self, I’d like to raise a toast to the Beetle woman – moi hehe…

One new post coming right up!*

*I’m typing it out right now…seriously…I SWEAR!

P.S: I’m seriously seriously considering moving back to blogspot. All in favour, say ye!

If there’s one thing (among many things) I hate, it is the feeling of helplessness. I care less for issues pertaining to myself. I know for sure that I have limited control on my life and when things don’t go my way, I don’t really fret it out (allll that much). I just crib.

But I hate feeling helpless when it comes to not being to help someone.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of Pp’s met with an accident while riding back from college on his bike. After an agonizing week of waiting, he finally decided it was way cooler up there. I felt so pathetically unable to do anything, or say anything or even think anything (yea, that’s a first!). I wished a million times over that there could be something I could do. Another doctor? Some other treatment? Prayer? I mean what? And I didn’t even know the guy. I felt the pain Pp felt at having lost one of his really close friends. I was seeing things through his eyes and I was just so….at odds…not being able to do anything to change the situation or alleviate his pain.

And then yesterday. My grandad’s sister had a heart attack. I must mention I have this ultra-soft corner for those 80 plus-ers. I find them adoringly cute and I could spend hours talking to one. I was a little taken aback at the slightly callous, if I may call it that, attitude of those around. Other relatives I mean. “She’s past her age, she’s in a lot of pain, she’s a heart patient with 3 blocks now and she’s 83 – any point in doing a bypass? All that money, who has it? Everyone has their own tension” Etc etc. That poor little thing was more worried about her children having to spend money and time on her than think about her own pain!

I’m not taking anything away from all those who were around her. They obviously care for her more than anything but yet the other concerns were lingering in the air like unwanted guests. I was pissed as hell. I wished then that I had just studied a little harder and become a doctor. I regretted every one of those dresses I just bought, wishing I’d just saved atleast some money that could be of help. I know she has her own people to help. I’m sure they know what’s best for her. I know they would take care of her better than I could.

I tried to pray – which is what everyone said is the least I could do – but I just couldn’t shake off that feeling. At the end of it, I just shrugged and let it be.

It sucks to feel helpless.

Go ahead. Look carefully at the snaps above of 2 different pairs of earrings of mine and spot the difference NOT including the difference in colour AND size (if it is apparent in the snap).

Don’t find anything remotely or radically different? Well, there you are. Neither did I see a difference, but there is one.

The earring in Pic.1 cost me Rs. 225 at LifeStyle – some Godforsaken brand called Sarah.

The earring in Pic. 2 cost me Rs.20 at a road side shop in Pondy Bazaar.

And what’s more disconcerting? I got 6 colours of the 20 bucks thing -each one prettier than the other.

Gimme that Antacid. Heart burn is what I have.

Hello!

It’s been well over a month since I last wrote. Seems to be the norm with me these days . Ever since I discovered e-books, I’ve been doing little else at work. It’s made me lazy, really.

Almost everywhere I go, I feel I have an opinion I itch to write about. But by the time I start penning, my thoughts are scattered and I just decide to let it be.

I’m not even sure most people who used to read this blog are even around anymore. I mean not here, reading this blog atleast. And so to anyone who cares, I’m sorry for being away

I, however, follow all my favourite blogs religiously. Adi, Chutney, Uncle S, Anoo, Idling, Arun and everyone else on my blogroll. Sometimes I actually feel a tad bit emotional – somewhere bordering on hurt – that I’m so out of the pack. That I’ve become an outsider in the world of blogging I so loved. Where I made tons of friends and had tons of discussions on tons of different topics. As always, I miss that.

But well, life goes on. But I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got loads to write on.

Soon.

I’m a thinker. I actually think of thinking. I plan what to think and what not to think. I stay awake at nights sometimes, debating over what to think about – the fight I had with dad or what all I had eaten through the day? Random bits of conversation run though my head, images from my imagination of the characters from the book I’m reading, images of how I’d like myself to look and long internal sermons on what I must do to achieve it.

Sometimes I think, I just keep thinking all the time. It’s like a compulsion I can’t stop. I’m never entirely at one place at one time. While watching a movie I’m thinking of where to next. When I’m out I’m feeling guilty of watching it without someone or the other. When I pray I think of a million other things and so on.

I’m actually beginning to feel jealous of my mind. I mean, come on, it travels more than those Travellers do on Travel and Living!And so, it would come as no surprise that my mind is thouroughly exhausted at the end of the day, what with all that wandering about. (I must add I think I think (repetition intended) while sleeping as well. Which isn’t a good thing cuz it means I’m not really sleeping all that well. Which must also add to my 11 pm mind weariness)

Truth is, I don’t want to do all this thinking. Sometimes I just wanna sit back and enjoy what I’m doing right at that moment. I have to sternly warn my mind to be calm and just be there. Like, it would be soooo much better if I could just have a day of nothingness and emptiness in my mind. And you know what? I somehow feel I don’t even need a brain to think, cuz there’s nothing intelligent about it, just emotions would do.

I just finished reading this book today. It was called ‘Good in bed’ by someone called Jennifer Weiner. Ok, first things first, don’t judge by the name please. Because I did. I’m really not this chick-litty reader types and if I must admit, I actually had this condescending approach to people who read such stuff. But as I got increasingly bored at work, I really didn’t mind reading anything as long as it kept me occupied. Prathi sent me books by the dozen and I’ve been reading so many – Crichton, Grisham, Ken Follet etc etc.

One day I felt, ok, maybe I should try and give this (over-rated, as I then thought) girly thing a try. I mean, I’ve heard it over and over again from Prathi and Jane and Rekz that it makes you feel-good and all that nice stuff rolled into one. Poor Prathi had to practically proof-read the books so that she could send me the ones that had just the right amount of mush, incase I’d gag over the extra-dose of sappiness (and remind her of it for all the forevers to come).

So, back to the book I was talking about. The name of the book, in all it’s cheesy-porn-likeness, has very little to do with the story – apart from merely being the name of an article in a magazine in the book! (phew!) And I must tell you, I absolutely loved the book. It actually left me with, how much ever I absolutely HATE admitting this, tears in my eyes. It was happy, funny, sad, interesting and just so…nice.

You know how sometime you read a book and you really, really believe it’s real? Uhm, well, if you don’t then, I don’t know what to say! But to me, that’s how it is. I almost feel like Cannie Shapiro from the book exists somewhere in Pennsylvania with her lil baby Joy. Happy now, after all that she went through, now that everything worked out right for her.

The book has actually made me really, really contended right now. Blissful, fulfilled blah blah. Kinda makes me love my life. I’m happy with the way things are. I have great people around me – who love me. I have a job, I earn *ahem* decent amount of money (that I must start saving, but oh well, this was supposed to be happy) and I maybe chubby and plump (you see how I’m refraining from addressing myself as fat? It’s the residual happiness from the book I tell you!) but I am a nice person. (besides I am trying to lose that weight. Or atleast I was till my back pain started again)

And……..

“Preeti?”

And so as I was saying….

“Preeti????”

Just gimme a second people.

*Couple of minutes later*

Ok, I’m back. Just as I was typing those last few sentences, I heard my name being called somewhere in the distance. As I dreamily looked around through that sighingly blissful haze, I (unfortunately) saw Mr.Pipsqueak -blinding me momentarily with all that glare reflecting off his bald head – staring at me. Yea, that’s my boss, and the sight of him has just snapped me back to reality. And reality here is my presentation on our Company’s “Global Unification Initiative”.

So, back I am to work – happy still – leaving you with the message Keep Smiling and Be Happy!